Super anxious

My Super Bowl anxiety is increasing by the minute.

Those who know me know that when I'm wounded, I bleed Philadelphia Eagles midnight green. It's been that way ever since I can remember. I am a child of Allentown, PA, which is just a drop kick away from the Philadelphia city limits. I've grown up with the Eagles. The team's imprimatur is in my DNA. I just can't help it.

I've got four Eagles shirts, an Eagles hoodie and an Eagles bandana to prove it. I might wear all of them at the same time today.

This might also explain why my anxiety levels are higher than my LDL numbers just hours before kickoff against the Kansas City Chiefs this evening.

Don't get me wrong. I'm pulling for the Birds from the get-go. That's a no-brainer right there.

But I see signs. I hear voices. I have visions.

The Chiefs are going for an unprecedented third straight Super Bowl victory. No NFL team has ever done that before. If that should happen – if the Chiefs should beat the Eagles – it will mean the Eagles will have lost two of those three games to KC in that stretch. Kansas City beat Philly 38-35 two years ago.

If I'm reading my Facebook pages correctly, there's a sense of nationwide ennui for this game. You can check this map for proof:

 I couldn't quite put my finger on why there appeared to be so much disinterest in the game, but then I started thinking:

• There seems to a certain amount of fan exhaustion from having the Chiefs in the Super Bowl for the third straight year. I can understand that. After all, we lived with Tom Brady and the New England Patriots dominating the scene with six Super Bowl victories and nine SB appearances in 11 years. Not to mention his Super Bowl victory with Tampa Bay in 2021, defeating the Chiefs 31-9.

The Chiefs have won nine straight postseason games, including three of the last four Super Bowls.

As if that's not aggravating enough for non-Kansas City fans, the Chiefs have won a startling NFL-record 17 straight games decided by one possession. That's the stuff of which dynasties are made.

I think many fans outside of Kansas City and Philadelphia were hoping for a Detroit Lions-Buffalo Bills matchup, just to have two completely different teams in the Super Bowl.

• It doesn't help that this game is actually a repeat of the Super Bowl from two years ago.

• There's also the Taylor Swift factor. If you're watching the Chiefs, then you're seeing superstar singer Taylor Swift yet again. She's dating Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, whom we seem to know more about than we do of our own family members, thanks to the 90 seconds or so of air time she gets each game that drives you absolutely crazy.

This actually doesn't bother me. Swift is a native of West Reading, PA, and outside of Kelce, she's an Eagles fan. At least, she's been spotted in the past wearing almost as much Eagles paraphernalia as I do.

•  Referee-gate. There seems to be this feeling among many NFL fans that the Chiefs are getting the benefit of all the referees' calls, and have been for years. Which might account for all those 17 straight one-possession victories.

One of the latest head scratchers came in the AFC title game two weeks ago when Buffalo went for a 1-yard first down attempt on fourth down. Quarterback Josh Allen did something of a tush push, and when the whistle blew, one sideline judge came running in suggesting that Allen succeeded in getting the first down to keep the drive alive. The other sideline judge, whose view was partially blocked, came running in indicating that Allen was short of the first down marker. It was his call that stood, favoring the Chiefs.

If there are any suspicious calls in today's game – and there will be – the NFL will have questions to answer, warranted or not. Fans are already questioning the quality of officiating across the league more than ever, it seems.

• Is there a conspiracy? Kansas City quarterback Patrick Mahomes is only 29 years old and has already won three Super Bowl rings. That puts him on a pace to match or even surpass Brady, just when you thought Brady was a once-in-a-generational quarterback. Sometimes you can't help but feel there is a script being followed here. Plus, there is that three-peat thing out there. Maybe the NFL wants to see it happen.

• There doesn't seem to be much appeal for rapper Kendrick Lamar headlining the halftime show. I've seen people complain they won't even watch the game because of him. I'm still trying to connect the dots on that one.

I don't know. I think a true NFL fan isn't bothered too much by all the background noise going on here. As an Eagles fan, I see our team coming into the game with the best defense in the league. With running back Saquon Barkley (who grew up in Allentown), we have an exciting 2,000-yard breakaway rusher who might be reminiscent of Barry Sanders. Coach Nick Sirianni has a 48-20 record for a winning percentage of .706, fifth highest in NFL history over 50 games.

This is a chance for the Eagles – who won the Super Bowl in 2017 by beating Brady and the Patriots 34-28 – to gain some retribution from two years ago. So there's motivation.

Kim and I have been invited to a Super Bowl party or two, but I'm staying home. My anxiety is overwhelming me. I want to be able to get up and walk away from the TV if things are going badly. I might even channel surf because I might feel like I'm jinxing the Eagles just by watching them. I want to drop F-bombs on the officials without reproach. I want to scream and shout like an unsupervised teenager when things go right. I want to watch the game on my terms, which includes a bowl or two of Kim's fantastic five-bean chili and a good German craft beer.

We're hours away now – and just over a month away from Opening Day in case all else fails – from kickoff.

Here it is: Eagles 31, Chiefs 21.

 

Oh, good grief

Unless something happens in the next 24 hours, we're going to be in a war with Canada.

A trade war, actually. Don't worry, no blood will be spilled, eh?

Thanks to convicted felon Donald Trump, who is pretending to be an actual president of the United States, Trump has slapped a 25 percent tariff on Canadian and Mexican imports as well as a 10 percent tariff on imports from China.

The tariff on Canada is set to take effect at 12:01 a.m on Tuesday. So there's still time to wiggle out of this mess.

It's difficult to know what Trump is thinking. A tariff is pretty much akin to a tax on the people of the country who are imposing the tariff. Because it's a tariff on IMPORTS! That means the duty is paid on those goods by the importers. Consequently, the cost of those duties is passed on to the consumer.

That consumer would be us.

That's how tariffs work.

Trump, who apparently has no clue how tariffs work even though he is a graduate of the prestigious Wharton School of Business, claims the tariffs will stop the flow of fentanyl and undocumented immigrants from entering the US. It's difficult to see how that happens unless he's counting on the actual THREAT of tariffs to do this.

Mexican president Claudia Sheinbaum and Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau have both promised counter-measures to oppose Trump's tariffs. If they really want to do damage, they ought to ask Trump to actually increase the percentage of the tariffs that he is imposing against them because it's the United States that will have to pay. As it stands, Trump has threatened to raise tariffs if any opposing action is taken. Buckle up.

According to research from the Peterson Institute for International Economics, it's likely that American consumers will be paying more for practically everything from sneakers to oil to lumber to avocados (food) to toys.

Expect supply chains to be disrupted. Expect inflation to rise. An extended tariff trade war could also result in a recession. Maybe even world-wide recession. When you voted for Trump, did you know this is what you were voting for?

Yikes. And you thought the price of eggs was too high. I fear we ain't seen nuthin' yet.

•   •   •

Diversity, equality and inclusion (DEI) have dominated the news cycle lately, especially coming after the horrific mid-air collision of an U.S. Army Blackhawk helicopter and an American Airlines passenger jet over the Potomac River near Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.

Trump, without offering any proof whatsoever and while the bodies of the deceased were still being pulled from the frigid river waters, told us that his common sense indicated DEI hiring practices by the military and the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) were responsible for the tragedy.

Sweet Jesus...

Here is the more likely scenario: if the helicopter is at fault, responsibility falls on the Department of Defense under newly-installed secretary Pete Hegseth. If, however, investigations show the crash to be the fault of air traffic control, then responsibility falls on the FAA and the Department of Transportation under newly-confirmed DOT secretary Sean Duffy.

Both the DOD and the DOT fall under Trump's purview. No wonder he's trying to point blame elsewhere.

One of the best summations of this disaster that I've seen comes from a commentator on Quora: "What the investigation will not show is that the crash was due to undocumented immigrants, LGBTQ, Greenland, DEI, California water policies or Bishop Budde's sermon. Trump tries desperately to pass the blame when bad things happen because he's a terrible leader. But when a military helicopter takes down a commercial aircraft full of passengers, we the people need to hold Secretary of Defense Hegseth and president Trump accountable."

Amen.

Here we are again

 I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

                                         – Article 2, Section 1, Clause 8 of The Constitution

By reciting the oath of office to begin his second nonconsecutive term as president of the United States, adjudicated rapist Donald Trump told the first lie of his new administration. He has no interest in preserving, protecting and defending the Constitution of the United States. We saw that in his first term.

This moment also gives us cause to wonder exactly what is the best of Trump's ability in the first place? Remember the American carnage he described in his first inaugural? Turns out, he unarguably was the singular author of all the carnage that followed.

Within hours of uttering his inaugural lie on Monday, he announced that he is going to ignore the 14th Amendment with a presidential executive order that guarantees birthright citizenship. He can't do that, of course. You can't legally change amendments with an arbitrary stroke of the Sharpie. Unless, of course, you think you're higher and mightier than the Constitution you just swore to preserve and defend. (To me, the word "preserve" implies that you can not attempt to change any aspect of the Constitution with an executive order).

That evening – the very evening of his inauguration – he pardoned more than 1,500 insurrectionists who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2020. He said he would, and he did. All of them.

This action was so foul that the country's largest police union, the Fraternal Order of Police, as well as the International Association of Chiefs of Police, both of whom endorsed Trump, have spoken out against the pardons. Wow.

Those pardons on Inauguration night gave us the revolting spectacle of a convicted presidential felon pardoning convicted felons. By doing so, he put back on the streets not only insurrectionists, but also any number of cop beaters, abusers of women and at least one pedophile.

Consequently, Trump has put back on the street a virtual regiment of Oath Keepers, Proud Boys and Three Percenters – many of whom were armed and injured upwards of 140 police officers on J6 – and therefore regained the use of his personal pseudo-militia. Upon their release, several rioters already have pledged to follow Trump's leadership with promises of violence, chaos and disorder.

What ever happened to Back the Blue? It's more like back the coup.

Hmm. A paramilitary group standing by and standing back (for now) for their leader. If you have any sense of history, Trump's unofficial militia is very reminiscent of Hitler's SA Brownshirts of the 1930s. Look it up and draw your own conclusions because I'm not doing all your work for you. You should have done that before the elections.

Releasing these felons stands in marked contrast to Trump's treatment of immigrants who are seeking asylum. Trump claims the country is being invaded by murderers and rapists (ironic, that) and declared a state of emergency. He has relocated active-duty military to the southern border to try and halt "the invasion." And yet, he releases violent insurrectionists into our society. What an ignorant, dangerously hypocritical fool.

•   •   •

Trump's administration of retribution for his perceived grievances (which is closely following the Republican wet dream described in the Heritage Foundation's Project 2025) includes an assault of any and all diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) programs in the Federal government.

Or, in other words, it's about the elimination or reversal of any civil rights legislation in the past 60 years or so. Colleges may now admit only whites. Employers may now hire only whites. Our bias is showing.

I would have bet the house that DEI was based on a straight line to the tenets of Christianity as described in the Bible. You know, especially the part that describes God's plan for humanity where all people should be treated with respect and inclusivity, regardless of background or circumstances.

Apparently, not in Trump's world. I am waiting for the Evangelicals to justify for me what is happening here. I'm having trouble seeing God's plan in this.

•   •   •

I didn't think it would happen so soon, but the roundup of people slated for deportation (see "Brownhsirts") has already begun.

So far, several workplaces across the country have been targeted by ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) officers, apparently entering buildings without warrants. How is that possible? Among those taken in a roundup in New Jersey were a military veteran who served his country as well as several Puerto Ricans, who happen to be American citizens by birth. All this suggests the arrests are random. And, don't you know, based on racial profiling.

It's also been reported that many field hands are no longer reporting for work. Consequently, some crops are beginning to rot in the fields. If that happens on a larger scale in the ensuing weeks, expect the price of produce to skyrocket. And if that happens, can a recession be far behind?

•   •   •

Early Saturday morning, Trump fired a dozen of inspectors general without notice (which is illegal. By law, they must be given 30 days notice of termination).

IG's are critical to maintaining oversight in government. If they are doing their job correctly, they unveil potential or actual corruption in government agencies and make sure those agencies are following the law.

But Trump's purge will affect veterans affairs, health and human services, housing and urban development, labor, the environment and – get ready – social security. What could possibly go wrong?

•   •   •

It's already been a consequential week in Trump's rampage to reshape the government and the way we live our lives. 

Well, good luck with that. Trump has ordered health agencies to stop warning Americans about bird flu and to halt the publication of scientific reports. He's also put a pause on the National Institute of Health's cancer research for review.

You know those egg prices you thought were too high under Biden?

Guess what's coming?

Jimmy Carter

The first thing that pops into my brain when I think of President Jimmy Carter is inflation (bear with me, my memories of Carter improve significantly. I promise).

 Kim and I had just gotten married in 1980 and within a year, we were looking to buy our first house. The trouble was, inflation was running at 14 percent at the time. I think most mortgage interest rates were hovering around 18 percent, if memory serves (this was, after all, 44 years ago).

We finally heard of a program offered by a local financial institution where first-time home buyers could purchase a house for 16 percent interest over 30 years. We jumped on it. Over time, we were able to refinance a couple of times to lower the interest rate, and eventually we paid off the mortgage ahead of schedule.

At the time, I thought the Carter presidency was unremarkable. It was also in 1980 that saw the failed hostage rescue attempt ("Operation Eagle Claw") that left eight American servicemen dead in the Iranian desert.

It seemed America could do nothing right. High inflation, coupled with the failed rescue attempt, hustled Ronald Reagan into office later that year, seemingly booting Carter to historical oblivion as a one-term president.

But when Carter died last month at the age of 100 and the retrospectives began poring in, my ever changing perspective of Carter's presidency changed even more.

Carter actually inherited the high inflation rate when he took office in 1977. In an effort to curtail inflation, Carter appointed Paul Volcker as chair of the Federal Reserve. Volcker raised interest rates, eventually knocking down inflation just in time for Reagan's first term.

Most of us might regard the Camp David Accords as Carter's crowning achievement, bringing a peace between Egypt and Israel that still exists. Carter also continued to normalize relations with China after Nixon first opened doors.

It was during the Carter administration that negotiations brought about the release of the hostages in Iran on the day that Reagan was inaugurated.

Carter, a principled man of faith, was also a social visionary who long pushed for civil and human rights.

He was also a dedicated environmentalist, placing 56 million acres of land in Alaska under federal protection and soon signed into law the Alaska National Interest Lands Conservation Act, which included protections for the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Carter also tried to clean up government with ethics reforms in the wake of Nixon's Watergate adventure by putting independent inspectors in every department. He attempted to make government more representative of the country itself by appointing more Blacks, Jews and women to political positions than all previous presidents combined.

He also created the Department of Education, the Department of Energy and the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).

Carter's post presidency and his work with Habitat for Humanity showed us the innate decency of the man, as if we could ever forget. He did, after all, win the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 for "decades of untiring effort to find peaceful solutions to international conflict, to advance democracy and human rights, and to promote economic and social development.

We are about to embark on an era that will inaugurate a convicted felon (who is also an adjudicated rapist) to the presidency and whose first inclination is to pardon hundreds of insurrectionists who violently tried to change the will of the American people with a damned lie. 

This fact alone makes the Carter years seem like it happened in a different country.

 

 

 

A Complete Unknown

 

The first time I became aware of Bob Dylan was probably around 1966. I was working a summer job as the municipal swimming pool's custodian. Yeah, I was the guy who was responsible for turning on the chlorine tank every morning and tossing in shovel loads of alum to make sure the daily pH levels of the water met public safety standards with the litmus paper tests I took.

Yep, your summer health depended on the responsible nature of a 16-year-old nonscientist high school sophomore throwing chemicals into your germ-infested community pool.

I was also the guy who cleaned out the locker rooms with Pine Sol and every evening picked up the trash you left behind on the grounds with a spear stick and a baggie.

But I had the place to myself. It was the best job I ever had.

Anyway, I'd amuse myself by turning on the PA system and listen to either records (we had a pool turntable) or the radio while I was working. And my music tastes were changing. I was slowly graduating from The Lettermen and the Tijuana Brass to The Beatles and Rolling Stones.

That's probably when I first heard "Blowin' in the Wind." Only it wasn't Dylan singing. It was Peter, Paul and Mary, who often served as a more commercial vehicle to Dylan's gravel-voiced delivery. And it was the lyrics that hit me like an arrow to the heart. In 1966, we were moving deeper and deeper into the anti-Vietnam War era and I was approaching draft age. The Civil Rights movement was also taking foot, so for me, Dylan's transformative lyrics – the ether of his words – truly meant something.

I bring this up in the wake of the current Dylan movie biopic, "A Complete Unknown," which traces the early years of Dylan's influential life.

You have to be careful with movie biopics: they edit, delete, change and/or invent stuff to move the narrative. You need to know that going in because movies only have two hours or so to tell a story. Having said that, there's been some really entertaining biopics out there. My short list includes "The Glenn Miller Story," "The Buddy Holly Story," "Coal Miner's Daughter," "Walk The Line," (directed by James Mangold, who also directed the current Dylan flick), "Elvis" and "Bohemian Rhapsody."

You can add "A Complete Unknown" to that list.

The cast is astounding. Timothée Chalamet portrays Dylan so well, you can't even understand all his mumbles. (which might be a technical issue with the production. Or not). Monica Barbaro is brilliant as Joan Baez, and Boyd Holbrook nails it as Johnny Cash. But perhaps the best supporting nod, I think, goes to Edward Norton as Pete Seeger as he tries to mentor the youthful and rebellious Dylan through the bohemian hills and dales of the early 1960's folk music culture. I didn't know Seeger was that influential.

I was further taken in when I learned that all the primary actors did their own singing and played their own instruments. That, to me, is worth the price of admission alone. Some critics have suggested that Chalamet does Dylan better than Dylan. And Chalamet's duets with Barbaro were remarkable. All done live. No dubbing.

It's hard to determine what the plot of the movie is. Again, some critics have asked why this movie even exists at all (kind of harsh there, I think). There is some triangular conflict when Dylan's girlfriend, Sylvie Russo (a pseudonym for the real life Suze Rotolo, who shared the "Freewheelin' with Bob Dylan" album cover with Dylan) and Baez that comes and goes with some feelings getting hurt, so bad on you, Bob.

But through it all, the movie seems to be taking us to the place where Dylan (Is he folk? Is he rock? Is he blues? Is he country? What exactly is he?) abandons his acoustic guitar and goes electric. This iconic moment apparently happened at the chaotic 1965 Newport Folk Festival, and drew the ire of fans and festival organizers alike, including Seeger). Shouts of "traitor!" littered the stage, as well as some actual litter thrown at him during his performance.

There is some question about that. YouTube video clips don't make it seem all that bad. There is some booing, but to my ear, not much. And were they booing because of a poor sound system, or were they booing the short three-song set he played? It's your call. A year later, in Manchester, England (and not shown in the movie), someone shouted "Judas!" and Dylan replied with "You're a liar!" and asked his backup band to play even louder.

I came out of the theater simply amazed and with a warmly renewed awe for Dylan, who received the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2016 "for having created new poetic expressions within the great American song tradition."

Before 1961, nobody, absolutely nobody, heard lyrics like Dylan's in music before.

It kind of made me wonder to whom does Dylan, now 83, pass the folk tradition torch? Woody Guthrie handed off to Pete Seeger, who handed off to Bob Dylan, who handed off to ... Bruce Springsteen? Jason Isbell? Taylor Swift? Pfft.

Who raises our consciousness now, especially when we need it most? 

The times they are a-changin'... still.

 

A holiday story

I'm going to tell you a story that my workout buddy from the J. Smith Young YMCA told me recently.

It's a great story for the holidays. Actually, it's a great story for anytime, so I hope I get it right.

Johnson's Drive-In in Siler City.

 My buddy's name is John Pacific (Yes, that's his real name. It's not a pseudonym to protect the innocent, or a stage name to make you laugh. It's real. As such, I'm considering changing my name to Bruce Atlantic, figuring that between the two of us we'd pretty much have the whole world covered). 

Over the last couple of years, John and I have become good friends, working out side-by-side on our recumbent bicycles. We talk about everything from sports to politics to becoming old men.

The other day, we talked about cheeseburgers.

I don't remember how this particular conversation got started, but I'm pretty sure it involved food right from the get-go. We'd serendipitously bumped into each other at The Dog House in High Point not too long ago, which is a place where they serve really great hot dogs. I think that memory somehow morphed into me asking him if he'd ever had cheeseburgers from Johnson's Drive-In in Siler City, just off Rt. 64.

He said he had not.

"OMG! You've got to go!" I said, involuntarily salivating down my chin as my voice rose. "Best cheeseburgers ever! They use Velveeta cheese! You gotta go!"

Mmm, mmm, good

 I gave him some particulars about the place. It's been in business since just after World War II. It's smaller than your average cedar closet, with maybe six booths and perhaps another eight seats at the counter, so you need to get there early before the line gets too big. They close the place down when they run out of meat for the day. And you need to be on a mission to go there because it's about an hour from Lexington. But the place has been written up in Our State magazine and it's been the subject of numerous TV segments, even here in Lexington. It's a special place.

The other day, I got a text from John telling me that he and his wife, Jane, had finally stopped at Johnson's, and they loved it.

But there was more to the story.

"When Jane and I got there, we saw an empty booth and went right to it," said John. "When we sat down, I looked up and saw there was a cluster of people by the door that I realized were there before us. I told Jane we can't sit here, there were people waiting ahead of us.

"We got up and I apologized to the people waiting and told them this was our first time here and we didn't know how it worked. They told us it was OK, don't worry about it, but don't leave.

"While we're waiting, I notice the people who were leaving with their take-out orders were paying with cash only," said John. "I didn't have any, and I asked Jane if she had any cash on her. She looked in her pocketbook and said she had six dollars.

"I told her, 'That's not going to cut it. We need to go. We'll just come back another time.'

"We started to leave when this fellow behind me put his hand on my shoulder and said 'You're not going anywhere. This is your first time here. This is my treat. Order anything you want.'

"I couldn't believe it," said John. "I tried to tell him he didn't have to do that, but he insisted. So we waited a little bit until two seats opened up at the counter.

"It was great. We sat next to a guy who's been coming to Johnson's three days a week for 35 years," said John. "And we sat in front of the grill watching them make the burgers. They take these balls of meat, put them on the grill and then flatten them with a spatula.

"Then they cover them with Velveeta cheese," said John. "Jane said hers was the best burger she'd ever had."

John said when they got up to leave, Jane asked the waitress for the name of the guy who paid for their meal. He's a regular several-times-a-weeker, too.

"I told the waitress the next time we're here, I'm going to leave an envelope with money in it and could she give it to the man who paid for our meal? She told me she'd make sure he got it.

"This was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen," said John. "I don't know if it was because it was the Christmas season, or what. But I'll never forget this. Wow."

We seem to be living in strange times these days. There sometimes seems to be a veil of wariness around us, a sense of caution about the things – or people – we've never seen before. What John and Jane experienced, I think, is how a random act of kindness – even in a burger joint – can be a continuing work of art that defines the nature of our better angels.

It's a great story.

 

 

Here We Come A-Caroling...

When I was a kid taking piano lessons (There's another whole blog here. My parents had a piano when I was growing up and they thought it would be great discipline for me if I learned how to play the durn thing. Trouble was, I was 6 years old and didn't want to practice for an hour every day. I wanted to be with my friends at the playground across the street. It took my parents about a year to figure that out before they eventually said I could stop. Consequently, I can't even tell you where Middle C is these days. Even more consequentially, I really wish I could play the piano now).

Anyway, when I was a kid taking piano lessons, we had a songbook that had a section full of Christmas carols in it. They were the traditional tunes like "O Little Town of Bethlehem" or "The First Noel" or "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing." Even "Deck The Halls." My favorite was "O Come All Ye Faithful." You get the point.

I loved those songs. They were my introduction to the season and most of them ran parallel to my Moravian upbringing. I even memorized the lyrics and I would sing them for hours, entirely off key.

As I grew older, (and thanks to listening to the radio) more Christmas songs joined my mental catalog. Some of them were OK. Some were atrocious. Most of them couldn't keep up with my piano songbook.

Here, in no particular order, is my list of flawed-to-horrible Christmas songs that I would never play on the piano even if I knew how to play:

I don't think I've ever been more annoyed by a song than "The Chipmunk Song." I don't even know if that's the real title. It came out as a novelty song in 1957 – when I was 6 and learning piano – and I hated it. I hated it then and I hate it now.

Tied for first place in my world might be "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." What a stupid story. Santa always had eight reindeer. You could even look it up. Clement Moore's classic poem, "A Visit from St. Nicholas," lists the original eight flyers. Eight. No more, no less. Rudolf, the song written by Johnny Marks in 1949, was made famous by a cowboy, Gene Autry, to sell records. Rudolf was never a real reindeer like the others were/are.

Also tied for first as the worst in my world is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Oh, please. You're gonna hit-and-run my drunk grandmother at Christmas time?

I don't want to hear "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms, especially after I've just come from a Moravian love feast of yeast rolls and coffee and where a pre-teenager wonderfully sang "Morning Star" to me.

In a similar vein is "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee. You should be rocking on New Year's Eve, not so much on Christmas. 

"All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth." Yikes.

I liked Burl Ives. I don't like "A Holly Jolly Christmas."

"I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." I didn't used to mind this one so much until I read a review that I can no longer unsee, so I'm going to ruin it for you, too. On the surface it's a song about a child watching his mother being sexually assaulted by an elderly home invader until you realize that mom isn't really cheating on dad but that both adults have a Santa fetish.

I love The Beatles. None were ever better. But John Lennon's "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" and Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" makes you wonder how "In My Life" and "Yesterday" evolved from the same brains. Subpar Christmas tunes for both of them.

I never got into "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." It gave me too many rules to follow in a season meant for happiness, brotherhood, reflection and for being a kid.

There are, no doubt, hundreds of other no-worthy Christmas tunes out there, some of which I've never heard because they are recent and I don't listen to the radio as much as I used to. But they're out there.

Besides, it's probably too late for me to start learning the guitar.

Merry Christmas.