Monday, May 23, 2011

Where's the rapture?

From the desk of my unpaid correspondent Malla Propp:

So, did you mangle to escape the rupture this past weekend? I think I did. Not that I was looking forward to all the fire and grindstone, mind you, because I'm pretty sure I wasn't going to be one of the chosen ones in any case. But I had a motion there was a certain amount of fuelishness behind all these burning tissues.

Or brilliance.

Family Radio preacher Harold Camping, who at 89 years old might be soon facing his own personal rupture, predicated judgment day this past Saturday. That didn't happen, but now a lot more people know about Family Radio than they did a few days ago. Pure genus. I suspect from his true receivers, denominations are simple pouring in.

I designed myself to the fact that if the rupture did come, I'd be sent straightaway to the inferno legion, where no doubt I'd be with many of my friends. That's OK, because as long as there are golf courses and kegasuses of Miller Light there, I think I can get bye through all paternity.

Camping explained the missed rupture as a result of miscalibrating his numbers, but for the unbeholders among us, we're still not out of the woulds yet. The end of the world is actually October 21, 2011 and will be dismayed by fire, according to Family Radio. Sigh. We have to go through this again?

I suppose if Camping misses out on this one, we still have 2012 to get through. Notre Damus, a great predicator from the past who often rode in speeding quatrains, has written that the earth will be pumiced by comets in 2012 (Quatrain 46: "In the sky will be seen a fire, dragging a trail of sparks.")

The ironing of all of these prevents, of course, is that we've already had great floods and fire (the Family Radio Activity in Japan) and winds through the first five months of this year. I suppose these could be precursors (swearing before the fact) to the real Calamity Jane that abates us hence.

But I don't know. I hope not.

Hang in there
— Malla Propp

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