Sunday, January 5, 2014

2014 horrorscope

While I was perusing through my Facebook account the other day, I came across a horoscope for 2014 that was on one of my friend's pages.

So I clicked on it.

The signs of the Zodiac were arranged like a calendar, so just out of curiosity, I clicked on the block for Aquarius, because that's what I am. And this is what I got:

"Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when they're not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a fighter, but will knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not share this post."

Bear in mind that my wife, Kim, is also an Aquarian. In fact, our birthdays are just one day (and nine years) apart, which means we can usually get by with just one birthday cake.

But the point I'm trying to make is that whatever my horoscope is presumably will be the same for Kim.

Also keep in mind that I don't pay much mind to horoscopes other than for the curiosity value. To me, horoscopes are like farmers' almanacs for the clueless. I mean, really. If I found another horoscope somewhere, it would no doubt tell me something completely different than the one I'm looking at now. So what's the point, other than to have some fun?

Fun. OK. Let's take a look. I definitely like the part about trustworthy, so we're off to a good start. "Attractive" is subjective and isn't my call. "Great kisser," however, while also subjective, appeals to my ego. We should all be me.

Moving on, Kim and I have been married 33 years, so I'm not afraid of a long-term relationship. I do try hard, but I won't take on any project. I need to fix a light in my bathroom that keeps flickering (it's not the bulb), and I'm not going anywhere near electricity if I know what's good for me. Scratch that project.

I am messy and unorganized, but Kim, on the other hand, is very organized and craves neatness. So this horoscope is already in trouble.

I put off chores I don't want to do. I used to be a great lover (see "great kisser"), but now I'm a great sleeper.

I think I'd rather be a deep thinker than an extreme thinker. I think.

I do love my pets. Our cat, Dolittle, sleeps in bed with us, but I still miss Mosey with a profound ache in my heart.

There is one item that really disturbs me, if it's true. It's the one that says I can be "…VERY irritating to others when they (I) try to explain or tell a story." Oh, great. There go 30-plus years of a career in journalism down the drain. Good to know I've bored you all to tears for 30 years.

The rest after that is just blah, blah, blah. Well, except for the sentence that says "2 years of bad luck if you do not share this post." I didn't know threatening bad luck was a feature of horoscopes, although "sharing" does seem to be some kind of a command in Facebook. "Share this post…or else" is what I'm seeing. 

But then I looked at Aires and discovered that it's 16 years of bad luck if you don't share that post. So it's good to be an Aquarian. Or is it? I'm 62 years old now, soon to be 63. So 16 years of bad luck gets me to 78, which would actually seem lucky to me. 

Good thing I don't take this stuff seriously.

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