Hat in the ring

It's been a couple of days since anybody new has declared his or her intention to run for the presidency of the United States, so I thought now would be an opportune time to announce my own candidacy for the office.

While it's true that I have no experience in political circles, I figure it's that very fact that makes me a viable candidate among a disaffected constituency frustrated by partisan gridlock. I proudly claim that I am no politician.

I am unaffiliated, so I am not under the auspices of any political party. I am dependent upon the monies earned from two part-time jobs, which, by necessity, makes me fiscally responsible. I have yet to draw a Social Security check, so I am not a pawn to government influence.

I am mostly of the liberal persuasion, except for the times when I'm conservative.

I have no advisers (other than my wife, who advised me not to do this) and thus I depend on my  common sense and life values when I make decisions. That's the chance you take in supporting me, as you would with any other candidate.

I have no platform, I have no planks. That means I face my challenges unencumbered and without built-in agendas. Why complicate things?

I am no orator and am petrified to speak in public. Therefore, I will not appear in the 24/7 news cycle. Most of you won't even know what I look like. Even now, I am nowhere to be found in the polls, where my graph line hovers at zero while I make great strides laterally. Consequently, my campaign is remarkably efficient.

Because I spent a career as a sports journalist, my presidency will be structured around earned run averages instead of Dow Jones averages; on defensive alignments instead of defensive expenditures; on yards per carry instead of gross national product. Clearly, I know my priorities. Our priorities: sports.

For the most part, I plan to model my campaign after 1968 groundbreaking candidate Pat Paulsen:

Thank you for your consideration in this matter. I remain, as always, your humble servant.